Vintage

The following is a bit I wrote for the school paper a while back but never actually published. I always liked it, so I figured I'd throw it up. Enjoy.


We here at 54 West would like to inform you that we really enjoy typing ‘54 West’. It’s a snappy title. It also looks great on our résumé’s. For those of you who were wondering, ‘resumé’ is a French word that literally means ‘get a job at a bagel shop so you can afford college’. Yes, I didn’t want to have to talk-um, type- about it, but quite honestly I have nothing better to write about and just the mention of the word ‘college’ makes people uncomfortable.
Recently I’ve been exposed to a torrent of colleges because I made the mistake of doing fairly well on my SATs, so every university in the northern hemisphere has sent me a postcard of ethnically diverse students beaming back at my puzzled face. The descriptions the colleges write for themselves on the inside of these ecstatic postcards range from conceited (come to UCLBXQFFED-On-Hartford! We’re awesome!) to colt-like ( at Johnson University, we’re DIFFERENT. EVERYONE loves it here. Some of them NEVER LEAVE because they’re buried in the basement. Ha, ha! Stop by Wednesday at 3 for our weekly goat sacrifice, seniors get in free!). In all of my highly, extremely extensive of-course-I'm-not-being facetious-what-ever-gave-you-that-idea research, I’ve found there are three types of colleges:

The Snooty University Of Vermont Or Something
Acceptance- 9 students/semester
Requirements- Vert.Avg. 107.4
SATs minimum 2750
All teachers are PHD’s, MD’s, OB/GYN’s, and members of the clergy.
Cost- 20 billion dollars (plus room and board)

College University And Meth Lab
Acceptance- 11,000,000,000,000 students/semester
Requirements- a pulse.
All teachers have the title ‘Mr.’ or ‘Ms.’
Cost- 20 billion dollars (plus room and board)

The College Of The Sooner Rather Than Latter Day Of Reckoning
Acceptance- True Believers, people with large incomes.
Requirements: Faith, a copy of the Holy Pamphlet And Chinese Food Menu, Sunday School Diploma (with Honors).
All teachers are Monks of The Relatively High Temple/ Fish Market.
Cost- 20 billion dollars, your soul.

So, in conclusion, don’t worry about it-it’s just your entire future. See you at the goat sacrifice.