Guilty By Associated Press

New Censorship To Appear On Network

NY- The New York-based television network NBC will begin usage of a new type of censor beginning Monday, April 5.
Increased censorship was implemented after almost three years of complaints about programs with overtly sexual themes and content airing during primetime hours. Groups like Mothers Against Perverse Television (MAPT) and Keep Our Children Safe (KOCS, which sort of sounds like “cocks”, teehee) periodically march outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza, protesting sexual subject matter in such longstanding NBC programs like Law and Order: SVU, ER, and Medium (Just kidding- nobody actually watches Medium to know if there’s any sex in it. We doubt it). NBC’s traditional Thursday comedy lineup is also accused of being perverse by these factions, just before security turns the hose on them.
Last Thursday, however, a new policy was adopted by General Electric, 80% owners of NBC, to utilize a censor that will prevent children watching late-night programming from being corrupted, but enable a more mature viewing audience to understand the sexual undertones of the show and be corrupted all they want, heathen bastards.
This censor, deemed the Highbrow Eyebrow, is not so much a censor as it is an editing technique. Replacing the traditional bleep-outs of “bad” words or sexual fucking material, the goddamn highbrow eyebrow instead cunts to the offending television personality raising one shit eyebrow and looking suggestively at the camera penis. This saves on the noise-polluting beep sounds, prevents children from undue corruption, and maintains the same level and tone of humor (or drama) on the program dickcunt.
NBC will use the method for a one-month trial, after which it will determine the censor’s success.
“I think we will renew it come May,” one NBC executive Whose Name I Was Too Lazy To Make Up said, “I mean, it rhymes. It must be effective.”

April 2, 2009.