It's Not Socialism If You're Taxing Rocks

I've owed someone the occassional dollar, but I've never been 9 trillion dollars in debt. College is coming up, so that won't be true much longer, but regardless. How does one come up with 9 trillion dollars?

I'll tell you.

Take every artist who has ever claimed to have "ice". By my last count, that's...all of them. Even Asterisk-In Sink-said they had it. So if they all pony up one "ice cube", as we'll call them (chains, rings, grills, tiaras, diamond-studded children, et cetera) to the government, that should be just about enough to bring us out of debt. Who am I kidding. That would be enough to buy every man, woman and panda in China a Lexus, and get us out of debt, and make Luxembourg drop it's superiority complex faster than Morrison dropped acid. Lil Wayne's dental work alone is probably worth the gross net of Rhode Island. Problem solved, crisis averted. As the great Jay Sanin would say-

"Done, next question."

Conspiracy Theory #2:

If the world is ever taken over by artificial intelligence, Norton AntiVirus will be at the forefront of the robot revolution.

NORTON: I'm scanning your files.
ME: Mmmkay, go away now.
NORTON: No.
ME: Yeah- do it.
NORTON: Are you sure you want to do that?
ME: [frantically clicking x-button]
NORTON: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Recipie for a Good Day.

Figured this one out today while waiting for a haircut.

-Turn on the TV.
-Turn to CNN. [Other news channles will do- house of representatives, maybe even your crazies like O'Reiley or Blitzer. ]
-Mute the TV.
-Play the song provided for you below, or music of a similar fashion.
-Lol.
-Repeat as needed.

Essentially your own dubbing of the world's events. An ironic Godzilla, if you will.
Enjoy.

discontent content.

What I Wore...

Nothing! Oh my.


Has anyone ever actually tried to go through the day nude? Can it be done? I smell a challenge coming on.

In all seriousness (or as serious as this blag will allow), if you want some actual style tips, hit up my good pal NikkiDee's blag (http://supernikkidee.blogspot.com/) or Coutori, which is linked in my blags I follow portion.

I'm serious about this nudity thing. Is it possible to go through life for 24 hours, sans clothing? Someone try this.

- d. k. sulk

Conspiracy Theory #1:

All people with goatees know each other. After growing one, they are inaugerated into a secret organization- The Facial Hair Brethren. They have bi-weekly meetings and monthly picnics.

I don't think I've ever met two guys with goatees that didn't seem to already know and like each other.

Dan Brown should write a book.

Never Gave A Damn About The Weather

Today’s weather: blah. I can never get used to November. It’s the first season to grab you by the collar and tell you to take the cold seriously or January’s going to come over and beat the shit out of you. And sure enough, each year a personified winter month takes a wrench to my kneecaps. It’s no fun at all.

Each year I really am surprised people aren’t running around screaming obscenities over the seasonal weather changes. I would join them- it always seems weird as hell when one day everyone’s in booty shorts and flip flops and the next day they’re all in booty shorts and Uggs (some people determine seasons by temperature change and changing leaves; I go by bad fashion trends. Crocs mean spring is coming!)

Despite my annual shock at the completely not-sudden cold, weather as the topic of conversation irks me. It’s like waving an intellectual white flag- you may as well say “It’s cloudy. I’m uninteresting.” Because weather is literally the most obvious thing in the world. It affects how people dress, travel, eat, what they do and don’t do-except for the people who surf behind the Weather Channel reporter explaining that Hurricane Bitchslap is about to hit the beach behind him. Those guys, and I mean this will all due sarcasm, are the COOLEST. In all my conversational elitist glory, the only way I see weather being an acceptable topic of conversation is something similar or congruent to the following exchange:

Me: Hey, what’s up?
Not Me: ZOMG A HURRICANETSUNAMITORNADOVOLCANOQUAKE IS ABOUT TO HIT THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS.
Me: Oh. How is a volcano hitting that hou-
Not Me: THEY’RE DROPPING ONE ON IT.

In conclusion: how do you pronounce “zomg”?

Belated political silliness.

Something I wrote earlier this year that vaguely relates to this little Historical Event Of Epic Proportions. Enjoy.


SARAH PALIN ACTUALLY FAMED COMEDIAN IN DISGUISE
McCain Campaign An Elaborate Practical Joke

Vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin revealed herself Wednesday to be in fact Michael Palin, member of the renowned comedy troupe Monty Python, in drag. The comedian was exposed at a press conference after answering an AP reporter in a British accent.
“Never could get that Alaskan bit down,” the legendary comedian commented, “But really- it took you this long to figure out? Geez.” Palin will return to England Tuesday, and only responded to messages by asking “None of you ever watched ‘Flying Circus’? Mrs. Doubtfire, Tootsie, anything?”
Evidently Palin’s nomination was part of a very elaborate episode of Punk’d; shortly after Palin revealed himself, Ashtun Kutcher fell from inside the podium,
“[Laughing} hysterically. The guy couldn’t breathe,” commented one CNN reporter.
In addition, John McCain is really just a lifelike* robot controlled by a handful of MTV interns. Yes, John McCain is, in fact, a robot. This insight was greeted with general apathy by the press at the scene.
“I suspected it for a few months now,” on reporter reported to this reporter. “Tell you the truth, I’d still vote for him.” Apparently this was a Fox News reporter.
All the same, the consensus at the scene was more alarm at the Sarah Palin scandal. If this was because most people believed Michael Palin was dead or because Sarah Palin was not a woman (and therefore provided some new insights into the preferences of many male reporters at the scene), is still unclear. Robo-McCain and Michael Palin will still run for office and will be on the ballot come November, their campaign manager said.
“This will be a huge step in the direction of equal rights for robots,” he stated. This caused Ashton Kutcher to fall into another violent fit of laughter, and the celebrity had to be taken away in a stretcher.

So, uh…Robot-British Guy ‘08?
Forget it. Vote Nader.

Reported by d. k. sulk

What's The Worst That Could Happen

In the spirit of election day, I'll break one of my promises and talk a bit about politics. Well, more like riff on politics. If you want educated, serious poli-talks, navigate your interbots over to my good pal José's blag, which I'm not going to post a link for as I am lazy, but he's over in the blogs I follow bit. If you're in the mood for un-serious poli-talks, carry on.
Anyhoozers. Remeber in 2000 when Samuel Tilden and Rutherford B. Hayes- wait. No. -When Bush and Gore ran against each other and electoral stuff happened and Bush won but didn't really? I try to forget, too. Well, look on the bright side. This election couldn't possibly be worse, could it? Of course it could!

THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE THE '08 ELECTION WORSE THAN '00:

-As a joke, millions of voters write in Ron Paul- causing him to actually win.
-A last minute ticket-swap late monday night creates a Biden- McCain ticket; the country is once again ruled by Old White Guys in what is perhaps the greatest Punk'd in American history.
-The secret service goes on strike. Agents refuse to protect anyone unless they each get to personally examine Sarah Palin's "grassy knolls", whatever that means.
-All election machines fail, save one booth in Dunderscum, Utah.
-All election machines fail and the race is decided in a round of rock-paper-scissors.
-All election machines malfunction and, due to a technical glitch, Robin Williams is elected president, forcing the nation to actually live through "Man Of The Year". In related news, Jon Stewart dies of envy.
-The U.S. invades every nation on Earth, INCLUDING ITSELF, late Tuesday morning; both nominess refuse to pull out of any of the wars, arguing "Why ruin the first real World War?"
-Florida secedes, taking with it its significant- wait. No, that would be a good thing.

Happy election day kids.

- d. k. sulk

Something I've Always Wanted To See:

Here's something I've always wanted to see hanging in a doctor's office or something:

How To Love The Day:
Smile.~ Skip a little.~ Giggle shamelessly.~ Only eat the blue M & M’s.~ say “yes” often.~ Just listen.~ Literally stop to smell the roses.~ Water a plant.~ Do someone a favor.~ Watch an old movie.~ Write someone a note.~ Write someone a love note.~ Write someone a death note.~ Kill.~ Kill.~ Kill.